To My Own Kids, whom I've always loved very much

15 Sep 05 - I love you all very much.

16 July 2010 - I still do love you all very much, all of you, and my wife. I'm going to self-reflect, and perhaps, let this be a warning, learn from my mistakes. I'm going to be talking to myself, reflecting, analyzing - and at the same time talking to you, the writing will jump between the two. I may write for several days, or 1 hour and then not again for years, but I feel it's important I try and write this so that when/if sadness and stress kill me, you understand me for what I wanted to be, tried to be, and not who I had to be. If I find I've misspoke, I will edit and change. If I find I wrote things in depression that I didn't mean, I will change them. If I find I'm hurting people, I will change it because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone. If I think the truth will help them long-term tho, I'll agonize over the decision if it is painful to them. As far as when I talk about myself, I will be brutally honest in my self-examination, I will pull no punches when swinging at myself because it is only if I am truthful with you in talking about myself, will there be a chance you can learn to know me better, or see where my thinking went astray.

I find my life is half over and at a time when I thought I would be happy, I find I am not. Yet, I am discouraged more because of how I seem to hurt others, to let them down - this haunts me more than my day to day view. I can be pretty content,but I'm surrounded by pain, ever constant reminders of my own failings. yet, ironically, I probably have a more "true" perspective of what's important than almost anyone I know (but if only I'd had it 20 years ago, or had the courage to always just follow what I knew to be right). So, do I continue the path that has led to sorrow, depression, regrets, or do I change? I can't truly say, It's not as easy at it sounds. I just wanted peace, a happy family. I thought I knew how to get there, but I didn't. If anyone thought they were ever born to be a family man, it was me. Everything I thought, everything I planned, turned out wrong. Possibly the only single thing I can really believe in right now is God, in Him, I am extremely confident, otherwise, I find everything has failed. I thought to myself, as a father, how wonderful I would be. I find I haven't been. I find that circumstances somehow always seemed contrived to make me someone else, someone I'm not. As a husband, I thought I was a good one. I never hesitated to speak my love, I thought and worked to find security for the family, I thought everything was that way, but security at what price? I thought to myself, this is my sacrifice, I will work, I will scrimp, I'll get the house paid off, we'll be debt-free and then, everyone will be happy. My dad, before he died, would tell me, he just wished everyone could just get along and be happy with each other. I find I'm like my dad in that way.

On finances - I've always been different. I can live very poor and be very happy. Most people can't, I find.. I'd rather have love and peace than any possession. I'm at a point where I look and I find I would sell my home, my car, my games, my tv , if we could all just be happy and content. I'd much rather be living in a dirt floor home with a content, loving family (as long as we could eat), than own anything I own. In my life, I've tried to be frugal and save to pay off the home, yet still give family what they wanted. Tried to find that balance - apparently, to all, I've failed in that and it haunts me. It seemed a scary world to me, with disaster just around the corner, financially, so I scrimped and was stingy, living in fear of what would happen if I lost my job (all the people that depended on me) - thinking I was making everyone content and happy, but I wasn't - I was teaching them to be like me, stingy and afraid - in the end, when one is like that, one never has enough. And yet, mostly, my fear was for others, I didn't want them to be poor or homeless, I didn't want to be a failure in supporting my family - yet, ironically, I am. I can't give my wife what she wants, I can't freely help my children when they need things - money has become so important to everyone in my life, and frankly, it doesn't mean a damned thing to me, except where my fear is concerned for others. So money has become a trap for me, because of how I have conditioned all my family to be tight. Instead of training them how to be freely giving, my example taught everyone how to be tight. I truly hope this is one lesson my family will ignore. It is better to give and starve, then to not give and have riches, because, you will find that you do not really have riches enough, no matter how much you save, it will never be enough - no-one will ever really be happy enough. I do not have the strength to do it yet, yet, I am starting to change. I will say it again - I fully believe, right now, it would be better for me to have starved to death giving to those that need, including my own family, than to NOT do so. At a time when I thought my family had peace, some comfort, the security of no debt - I find I have given them nothing - it's all hollow and empty. My sacrifices, (if only sacrifices in my mind), were wasted. I wish I could start it all over, I would break this damnable chain. If my kids, or others, need money, it has to be paid back -- why is that exactly? Why? my years of training of being stingy (or, to be fair, afraid)? patterns that can't be broken now that I don't have to be? And I'm frankly torn -- should I buy all the things my wife and kids want (because )they truly think it will make them happy, selling my life for those possessions (but a worthwhile sacrifice to me if it would truly make them happy)?, or do I throw it all away KNOWING it would make me happier and truly believing that any possession that I bought them would still leave them feeling unfulfilled and empty? It shouldn't be a tough call, but it is, because they don't see it as I do and so they are hurt and empty. I don't know what I willl do.

So, my advice to my children, and what I would do if I could start over? - - give it away and stay poor. Work honestly, take advantage of no one, but if you need help and folks give it, truly appreciate it, knowing that you are taking from their livelihood and thus repay when you can. Do not lust for the big house, the big screen tv, the new cars - you will never find happiness there, merely toys that you will enjoy for awhile and distract yourself from what is really important. Whether you believe it or not at your ages now, it is better to have nothing and have love and peace, than to have the world and find you have nothing because you can't own the moon two. Chasing riches will actually lead you to be stingy, greedy, and afraid and you will never attain them. You will see yourself as poor when in fact your are not, but you can never have enough to shake off the fear. think about it - - the games we buy - did they ever really fulfill us in any way? No - distractions, entertainment, just like the TV - time killers, detracting us from the things that were really important. Is a man with a new car happier than a man with a bike? He thinks he will be, but he'll find, in the end, it's all like vapors in the wind, all vanity (and by vanity, I mean vain). All I would ask of you is this - enjoy life, just pay your own way, don't take advantage of others. And then, give freely of what you have to others, not those that would take advantage of you, but those that need it, whose lives you can help change by thoughtful giving. Be a cheerful giver, not grudgingly. Expect nothing back, give nothing if it will make you bitter if it is not returned. If it is in your power to help someone truly, then don't hesitate to do so, even if you go a little hungry. I think, in finances, that is the key to true happiness. When you can't give because of fear, stinginess, or greed - then you will never truly be happy in any way with your finances. When you spend, spend on things that will help you grow. The money others may considered wasted on a guitar, spend freely. If I had to choose, and didn't have to have a car, I'd buy the guitar over the car. Be creative, be free. And keep records, record what you write, reflect on it when you're older. Create something - make a difference in someone else's life. But be aware, if you try to make someone happy with money, if you try to buy their friendship, their love - it will fail. Give, help others with NO motive, no expectations - just the joy of giving, of helping. If you can truly do that, you will be happy. Enjoy the day - when you save for a rainy day too long, you'll find it's winter and you will not enjoy the fruits of your labor. Someone that can give freely without thought will have friends, will be loved, and will have nothing and yet will really have everything.

On the faces we wear as relating to raising my children - I find I can often, without really thinking about it, be so many different things to different people depending on how much they need me to be a certain way. It is tempting to do this, and you may even do it sincerely, thinking you are doing what is best for them, but be very careful of this. If you aren't careful, this can be a trap, a very sneaky one. You can lose yourself and eventually not be able to break from the roles you set yourselves in. For example, know this. I hated having to be the punisher, the one who could put iron in his voice, who would paddle when provoked. It was never really my nature, yet it was my role. I hate it now, looking back, I despise it - mainly because it didn't work. It worked for my dad, he would whip us kids harder than any of you kids have ever been whipped, and I hated it - but he did it when we talked back, even a little, or when we crossed lines we shouldn't have crossed. And when I got older, I understood him, and I got to know him - I understood the stresses, the sacrifices, and ultimtely the caring behind his behavior. And to be clear, I'm not talking about abuse, he just punished hard (and because of it, didn't have to punish very frequently). As a dad, I thought it best to do the same, because it worked for him well. I thought, the only thing I'd do different is that I'd tell my kids I loved them. I meant well, but it hurt - it hurt to have to paddle. and it didn't seem to really work, and to be honest, I really thought if I could just punish as hard as my dad did, then it would work. Well, I couldn't because times were different than when I was growing up. And it seemed you all had so much more outside influences affecting you than I did growing up. I would have loved to have been a dad that could've been a friend, that we all just talked things out, but that doesn't seem to really work either. But if I had to fail, in retrospect, I'd rather have failed doing it that way. In my mind, I had to be the stern one, the one who paddled - in my mind, disrespect was the one thing that simply couldn't be tolerated, had to be broken, I couldn't honestly let it go and never can. It broke my heart when I realize years later that you all feel you had a miserable childhood. I didn't see it that way and it really make me take a hard look. Sure, I could blame you and say it wasn't so, because in my mind it wasn't. But, if in your minds it was, then probably it was. And I hate that. And I wish we'd never, early on, brought sarcasm into our family, sarcastic cutting humor that we didn't really mean, cept words still hurt. I guess it's just how I was, working around grown men all the time, just never really thought about it. I hear myself now, on tapes, and I cringe because, at the time, didn't feel like I was being harsh, or cutting, wasn't my intention. but in hearing it years later, it just depresses me because I realize how it must have come across. things never come across in reality as you think they are in your mind when you're saying them.

So, my advice to my children, anbd what I would do if I could start over? -- No easy answers - hard love worked well for my dad, yet didn't for me. Was it because I wasn't as hard? Was it because of outside influences undermining? Was it because my kids had divorced parents, and thus, conflicted emotions? I'll never know for sure, but I know this. Somehow, some way, make sure your children feel loved. Everything else comes secondary. loving them doesn't mean not punishing them tho, because you will destroy them if you simply affirm that everything they do is right, it's not - it can be a dangerous world and there has to be discipline. but try like hell to find the balance, to be able to set the parameters and yet still let your kids know you love them. I fyou have to spank, then come later and hug them and wipe their tears - go share an ice cream or go fly a kite. Let them know you're not harboring anger towards them. Punish and then, let it go, don't continue to punish over and over for a one time discipline problem. Punish, then forget and forgive. Never ever bring up the past while punishing for the present. Make every punishment short, and cry while you're doing it so they see it really is hurting you too. Never ever ever ever once be sarcastic, even in humor, ever. Never think that saying you're sorry shows weakness, it shows strength. Never disrespect your kids. It's true that often think they know better than you and may disrespect you - give them a means to disagree without mocking their opinions, even if they're wrong - give them outlets to express themselves without mocking them for their inexperience and, childish ignorance. Because, remember, as a parent you can't tolerate disrespect - remember that that goes both ways. Can one that doesn't tolerate disrespect, be disrespectful? NO. I've often thought and said to myself, a parent can't be a friend. That's, in a way, true, because a friend doesn't punish or set the rules, but a parent can be friendly and respectful, a parent doesn't have to put on a mask of hardness. If I could start over, I'd listen more and lecture less. I'd guide more and correct less. I'd go out of my way to let my kids know how important they are to me, and I'd go out of my way to show them that I don't HATE them when I punish them, that I hate the punishment as much as they do, and I'd let them see that that's true. I'd let them know that I'm really not holding over grudges or anger. Ironically, I hold anger less than anyone I know, which leads into........

On anger - - It will kill you. I've never been an angry or bitter person. I've never been able to hold a grudge, not really, and the older I get the less anger I find in myself, except at myself. I do find in me a "flash-point" type of anger, kind of like a road rage anger, that, when it does hit, is very quick to come and just as quick to go. I don't really understand it because it sometimes seems more like a frustrated type of anger. I can get angry, but I cannot stay angry. Perhaps this is because my memory gets hazy so quick - past offenses do not jump readily to my mind, I don't retain grudges. I will tell you this in all candor, this is possibly one of the biggest blessings in my life. This is not because I am a "good" person. I think it is just a way I am, and I'm lucky for it. I can't "choose" not to be angry, I'm just not, so I don't blame others that are - it's not through my choice - if it were that simple, none of us would choose to be angry. Ironically though, everyone around me seems to always be angry about something, carry a lot of anger inside them and it only causes harm, damage. Angry words directed at me cut me worse than blows. I can honestly say, I'd rather someone that was angry and bitter at me just take me outside and beat me to a pulp and then forgive, than to carry anger at me. They say anger only hurts the one that's angry, but I can say that, short of my own failings with my family and life, that the thing that has damaged me the most has been other people's anger. And then, when people are angry at others, they want me to take sides, no-one really seems to want to empathize with each other, no one seems to really want to forgive one another. As self-serving as this may sound, I'm on of the few people I know that will allow hurt to myself to help somone else. I'd rather take hurt than fight, 99% of the time. I don't demonize other people in other to stay angry with them, I find I feel bad for them and want to try and ease that anger. I've been trained in all my jobs to be a problem solver and yet I find I can never really solve the problem of anger in others, I can't heal their anger. the only anger I carry against anyone, including those that have deliberatly tried to hurt me, to take advantage of me, is the anger I carry against myself. And I'm only angry at myself in the places where I have hurt others, or let others down. Hurting myself really doesn't bother me, I can live with that - but I cannot tolerate the situations whereI have damaged other people, perhaps irrevocably. My family, many, carry anger in them that they can never lose and I played a key role. My family has "wants", not needs, that I put in their hearts that leaves them empty feeling, and I played a key role. I am angry that I failed, angry because I "knew" better, angry that I was afraid, angry that I didn't follow everytime my heart said to do something, that I didn't. angry that I concentrated so much on work in a vain sacrifce for others. Don't get me wrong, if it had not been a vain sacrifice, if those I wanted to make happy could be truly happy, I'd work 3 jobs and kill mself working for their happiness. What I mean is that I'm angry because I thought that would make others happy and I failed in that. I'm also angry, frustrated with myself, in that I can't seem to change. Even knowing the failures, I can't just totally overturn my life, and, even now, just do what I know to be right - because I'm afraid of hurting others. Once you become responsible for others, your children, wife, whomever, you pay a heavy price, you lose some of your free will, your freedom of choise. It is a price you pay, one that is often not recognized nor ever acknowledged. And when your family is an angry one, and you are responsible, you are driven/led by their anger and are trapped.

So, my advice to my children, and what I would do if I could start over? -- I don't think I could do anything different internally because anger doesn't control me internally. I would walk away during those infrequent flashes of red-hot anger, and I'd do my damnest to shut my mouth when I was angry. How much harm we do through our words because we get angry. My advice to you -- be aware that anger, no matter how much it feels justified in your mind, really hurts you and hurts others. there are a few legitimate cases to carry anger, but they usually involve someone hurting an innocent, other than that, I can't hardly thing of any reasons. If you carry anger, it hurts you badly, and, whether you know it or not, it hurts that ones you love even worse. They see your anger and are damaged by your anger, and you may literally damn them with your anger. I let others anger control me, define my actions, and that may be a damnable offense to me, I don't know. I don't care if it is the hardest thing you ever have to do, you absolutely have to understand this - you MUST let anger go. It is a proven thing to me and believe me, as a reality and not just a trite saying. Anger is also hate and hate kills everything it touches. And just as important to know - you CANNOT really love and have anger/hate in you. They cannot truly co-exist. Love heals, hate destroys. If you learn nothing else from me and my experiences, please trust me on this one. To hold a grudge will destroy you and those around you - but to truly be able to forgive will free you, and yes, free the one you had the grudge against.